Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
