We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
