I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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