I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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