i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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