I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
