I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
