just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
