I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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