Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
