can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
