the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
