How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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