8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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