cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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