Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
