Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
