Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
