Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
