I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
