I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
