If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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