so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
