who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
