I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
