Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
