Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
