I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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