dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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