Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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