these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
