You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
