I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
