I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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