if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
