The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
