she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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