i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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