I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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