I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come share oat with me in your robe
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
