He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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