Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
