I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
