I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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