i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
