I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
