I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
