Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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