Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
