Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
