just come out here and I will go home with you...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
