Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
