some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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