Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
