I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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