Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
